Hoobastank

I was walking today, innocently enjoying nature and I listened to my walkman again for the first time in months. Maybe it's been a year, I don't remember. Then that song came on again and I almost fast forwarded it. I decided to let it hurt me. I decided to go there to the pain place again. I couldn't resist picking at the scab, and I worked it until my heart bled again. It felt good to know that it's still there. Maybe it hurts even worse now, because it's such an old, deep wound. Anyway, it hurts to hurt and it hurts to not hurt.

The pain is not mortal though, it's quite possible to live with it. That's the shocking thing to me: that pain like this is all just another dimension of life. That seems like such an impossible thing, but it's true. As soon as you take your first breath, you begin a process of learning to carry your pain. What a wonder! We are not supposed to live painless, we are destined to learn to live with our pain.

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just wish you could know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

and the reason is You [x3]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just wish you could know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Thank you guys for articulating the pain of my regrets

Still not better

Monday was a low day. Can't seem to get back. I hope I never do. Heard from Marilyn yesterday.

Nope. Still not better

It's still not ok. I don't think it ever will be. I am at peace with that. I can live with this sorrow. I ate dark chocolate and cheese cake for you today. I wore your earrings to the office party. I carried you with me everywhere I went and when I lie down in bed tonight, I will dream of being with you again. I can't wait to be with you again. Only then will I be able to say that it is finally better.

I miss you more now, but I'm at peace with that too. When I realize again that I truly cannot pick up the phone and call you, my breath still catches in my chest. A little sob still seeps out at strange times. Mostly in private now, though the right note in a song can still do it. I don't watch movies anymore. I just can't bear it.

Pathos is the name of the ache I carry for you now. We struggle on. That's all any of us can do. My god how I ache for you.

Been a Hard Week--Missing her a lot...

I heard this song on the way to work Monday. Don't know if 9/11 anniversary also contributed to it, but I was very sad all week. Gotta shake it off. Can't allow myself to go to the dark place. But she's in my heart very much right now.

"Fall To Pieces" (Velvet Revolver)

It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

It's happening. It's going to be over soon. I don't feel as if justice can ever be served. But it does feel like at least one chapter is closing. Another one is beginning. This new chapter will be the chapter of Calvin. He is growing into a very interesting young man. I am working to make sure that I get to spend time with him now so that he'll feel comfortable with me later on--when he needs someone else in his life. I want to make sure that he will be okay, for her sake. He reminds me so much of her.

You are on my mind tonight, I miss you. LambChop was good, he reminds me so much of you with his devilish humor. He's ok, he's hanging in there. But if you see this, then you must know that better than I can tell you.

I think of you every day. You are always on my mind. I still look to see a message from you. I cannot get over this. And even though it hurts, I don't think I want to keep living if the pain ever goes away.

Life goes on, that is true, but it isn't the same here without you.

I love you MaryLou. I always will. I had several hundred people taste chocolate of all types for you today. Just hope that you know, I'll never forget. I'll never be over it.